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Q: I'm single and "parallel dating." I've been seeing one girl for two months. We're physically intimate, but have had neither explicit discussions about exclusive relationships, nor an implicit "I love you."
I've gone on a couple of dates with someone else (but not very intimate) and I find myself in a moral quandary: Am I'm cheating and being dishonest, or am I just maximizing my dating? I get the sense this could blow up in my face.
I want to date both some more before deciding whether I want a relationship with one of them. Am I being greedy?
Is a "serious relationship" implicit? Should I tell them both that I'm dating others, or that I'm interested in dating them but don't want a relationship, or is it ethical for me to stay mum?
Morally Perplexed
A: Interesting mental gymnastics. You choose to date another, then deem it "finding yourself" in this quandary. The phrase "maximizing dating" is more calculated self-justification. It seems you could even excuse yourself one day for maximizing marriage with an affair.
Let's cut through the euphemisms: You know from being with her and having sex with her whether the woman of two-months dating thinks you've started a serious relationship. I suspect the reason you're questioning yourself is that you already know she'd be horrified to learn you've been shopping and considering a replacement.
Stop hiding behind word games and tell both women you're not ready for a committed relationship, and that you're dating others. Yes, it could blow up in your face, but that's the risk you've chosen to take.
Q: It's okay to wear white to a wedding. This is 2008. If the bride is so insecure and fears she won't be the centre of attention, should she really be getting married anyway?
Not Old-Fashioned
A: Thanks for your opinion; mine looks at the wedding picture differently.
The wedding guest who comes dressed in a fancy white gown – as opposed, say, to a white/floral or white/patterned summer frock – knows she's putting the bride's gown into a category of two.
If a bride can't feel that on her special day, her guests will let her shine uniquely, maybe she's invited some thoughtless or competitive women – who will stand out as such.
Q: I'm 25, hoping to move out from my parents' home soon, and I'm bugged by my mom's smoking. She's smoked for years despite having severe asthma.
She got a bronchial infection and needed to be taken to the ER several times with difficulty breathing. She had to take several months off work and we had to hire a housekeeper to help her with the housework.
It took over a year before she got better and she still didn't quit smoking.
My grandmother died of lung cancer and my mom promised she'd quit, but she keeps making excuses. We've argued about it recently.
She's tried to quit in the past and been unsuccessful. I'm so afraid that if she doesn't quit she might get so sick that she'll never recover.
Concerned Non-Smoker
A: Two tasks: first, protect yourself from second-hand smoke; second, show your mom how much you care about her.
With the first task, look to move out as soon as possible. In the meantime, avoid direct exposure to your mother's smoking to the best of your ability.
With the second task, encourage Mom, buy her the popular and proven guide book Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking, and stop the arguing and pressure. The will to quit has to come from within.
TIP OF THE DAY
In the dating world, when you play off two people, the outcome often means you are home alone.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. See ellieadvice.com. Ellie hosts Outlaw Inlaws on Slice TV.
